A Comparative Study in Weddings

…well okay not really, but here was my day:

2PM - Mom’s best friend’s daughter’s wedding

6PM - Cousin’s wedding

And they could not have been more different, you have no idea (but you will in a minute here).

So!

Wedding One: FULL CATHOLIC MASS

You may need a little family history on this one.

I’m Jewish (yay!). I’ve been Jewish for forever. I was born into it, I was raised by it, I love it. Ditto my dad. My mom, however, converted about 12 years ago (she started the process like right after marrying my dad, and yes, sometimes it takes that long to convert to Judaism). She was raised Irish Catholic.

I sat in between my parents for the wedding. It was awesome.

About halfway through the opening song (a totally epic trumpet…thing), I get this.

Mom- The other wedding would’ve been over by now.

Dad- This is how they keep people like [my friend who plays trumpet] employed.

It was like the sheer awkwardness of our presence there was hilarious. I was giggling for most of the service. This small child in front of me kept shooting me dirty looks.

We get to the homily, which (according to ninjawords) is a “moralizing lecture.” And the priest recites pretty much the entirety of Sunrise, Sunset, from “Fiddler on the Roof.” A musical about Jews played by Jews adapted by (at least one) Jew(s) based on a book by a Jew. Cue fist bumps with the ‘rents.

Then there was a moment where it was like SIT. STAND. KNEEL. Kinda threw me for a loop, honestly, because I didn’t realize there was a flip-down kneel-y…thing-y. We just sat there. Which was suddenly weird because the people in the row behind us were breathing down our necks.

And then my mother spoke the immortal phrase:

Are you watching, Amanda? The priest is going to do magic!

…gotta be honest, thought she was kidding. But transforming crackers and wine into flesh and blood must require more than a blessing.

Otherwise, the bride looked so pretty, and she was clearly absolutely ecstatic. The Catholic mass, while a tad long and definitely not what I was used to, was actually really nice. Total ear-crack, my friends. Of course I kinda just had Rock n Roll Shabbat last night, so I’m totally spoiled on the musical worship right now. But overall, it was a lovely experience.

Although at cocktail hour, I was made to talk to a cousin of the bride’s JUST because he went to NYU. Awkwardest chat ever.

Couldn’t do dinner though because of

Wedding Two: WAIT…IT’S OVER?

Second wedding was very different. I feel like I saw both ends of the wedding spectrum today. I’ve decided my eventual wedding will be somewhere in between.

Completely outdoor. The chairs from the ceremony were moved to the tables after cocktail hour. (PS I hate cocktail hours and refuse to have one at my wedding).

It was a cousin of mine from the Jewish side, but it was a non-Jewish wedding (although my uncle snuck in a couple Jewish touches like smashing a glass and the hora). Featuring majestic words such as:

Now a formality that I hope won’t throw a wrench in this whole affair. If anyone can show just cause why these two should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace. -silence- That’s good, because I’ve never been sure what you’re supposed to do if someone does.

and

By the power vested in me by the State of Ohio…and the internet…

Both spoken, by the way, by the officiant—my awesome uncle who gave my book free publicity.

The ceremony went very quickly, which made it all the more glaring that the food took FOREVER. (PS In lieu of cocktail hour, I’ve decided that the centerpieces at my wedding will be pizzas).

My seating was also awkward, because I wasn’t at the kids’ table…but my brother was. I’m eighteen. My brother is twenty. The people at the kids’ table ranged from the age of three to the age of twenty. I was seated with my parents and some of my other relatives, trying to decide if I was too young to be separated from my parents, or so mature that I was at an adult table.

Whatever, all I know is I didn’t get any french fries.

I DID, however, really get to know another cousin of mine’s fiance. We did the twist FOREVER and also the hora. And she was like:

Why do we keep stopping? You don’t stop hora-ing!

Too many non-Jews at the wedding I guess. :)

And of course everyone was like:

Oh! You’re so much older!

and

Oh! You’re going to just love NYU.

My awesome uncle took it a step further and said:

You’re going to fucking love living in New York.

(He also says he helped convince my dad to let me go, so thanks for being awesome, yo).

Adult table, FTW.

Delicious cake was delicious. And it’s always great to see my cousins.

But seriously: I’m SO GLAD today is over. So much wedding-ing…

Now it’s finally sleepy time.